WHY AM I DOING THIS?
I know my friends and family may read this and say I don't give myself enough credit, and maybe I don't, but what I'm about to tell you comes from a place in my heart and soul that has been screaming at me for years to come out. It's a muffled frustration embedded so deep into my psyche, like a cork in an aged bottle of fine champagne, that I feel that if I don't do something...it's going to pop. Will that "pop" be an artery in my brain or in my heart? Or a relationship with a loved one? Or my dreams or my hopes? Who knows. All I do know is this...
I'm a middle-aged, average-looking, normal guy who almost does a lot of things well, but nothing really exceptionally well. I'm an OK dad -one of the proudest badges bestowed upon me, yet I know I could be such a better dad. I'm an alright husband -the other proud badge that defines me, yet I'm horrible at expressing how much I truly and unequivocally love my wife. I'm an average brother, uncle, son, friend, co-worker and neighbor. I live an uneventful life in an average suburb. I have a dog and a car with 100,000 miles on it. I can water my lawn from my phone and have an app that tells me how well I slept the night before.
This is totally unacceptable. The uneventful'ness, the OK'ish and the average'ness of my life is totally unacceptable.
Basically, I'm not proud of who I am. I could be so much more.
But I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of living my life. And, more importantly, I'm afraid of dying. I live in this constant state of fear of death that tranquilizes me into a paralyzed state. I'm afraid my wife will die cancer, I'm afraid one of my boys will die from something as benign as the flu and I'm constantly afraid that I'm going to have a heart attack or a stroke. Yet, what have I done about it? How have I made an effort to improve myself and enjoy my family and friends around me? How have I "manned-up" and faced that fear toe to toe, brow to brow? I haven't. I've done nothing. Nothing at all. I've watered my lawn from my phone and tracked how many tosses and turns I had the other night.
It's more than a weekly banjo lesson or a subscription to a gym. It's deeper than that. Although I don't know exactly what it is, I do know that it has to come from deep inside -from that bubbling pit in my heart and soul. I have to fix this before one of my depressingly creative manifestations comes to life.
So, I've decided to do something.
As I was sleeping on the floor between my son who had the flu and my other son with strep, I downloaded a Kindle Book on my iPhone. It was "Bushido, the Soul of Japan" by Inazo Nitobé. I read half of it that night wedged between a bed and a dresser on the floor while trying to get the horribly creative thoughts out of my head that one of my children was going to develop pneumonia and die.
And then the next day I read the other half.
I've always had an inclination towards Eastern Culture. In college I wanted to participate in the Japan Exchange Teaching (JET) program, but was too scared. I wanted to go to Tokyo for my honeymoon, but was too scared. I want to pack my bags tonight and fly over there and smell the cherry blossoms, but, I'm too scared.
And as I read this book I realized that one of the many codes that a Samurai lives by is the willingness, the acceptance and almost, dare I say, the anticipation of dying. And once you're comfortable with the fact that, yes, you (and others around you) will die someday it gives you back the power to life your life to the fullest. To enjoy every moment and to live each minute to the fullest -making you a better father, husband, son, uncle, friend or co-worker.
I've given myself 365 days to become a Samurai. What exactly does this mean? I'm not really sure. Does it mean I'll be wearing black ninja shoes and lurking around the camoflage of midnight? Maybe. Does it mean I'll strive towards learning and adopting the "Bushido" of a Samurai and the seven virtues they live/lived by daily? Absolutely.
I'm a middle-aged, average-looking, normal guy who almost does a lot of things well, but nothing really exceptionally well. I'm an OK dad -one of the proudest badges bestowed upon me, yet I know I could be such a better dad. I'm an alright husband -the other proud badge that defines me, yet I'm horrible at expressing how much I truly and unequivocally love my wife. I'm an average brother, uncle, son, friend, co-worker and neighbor. I live an uneventful life in an average suburb. I have a dog and a car with 100,000 miles on it. I can water my lawn from my phone and have an app that tells me how well I slept the night before.
This is totally unacceptable. The uneventful'ness, the OK'ish and the average'ness of my life is totally unacceptable.
Basically, I'm not proud of who I am. I could be so much more.
But I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of living my life. And, more importantly, I'm afraid of dying. I live in this constant state of fear of death that tranquilizes me into a paralyzed state. I'm afraid my wife will die cancer, I'm afraid one of my boys will die from something as benign as the flu and I'm constantly afraid that I'm going to have a heart attack or a stroke. Yet, what have I done about it? How have I made an effort to improve myself and enjoy my family and friends around me? How have I "manned-up" and faced that fear toe to toe, brow to brow? I haven't. I've done nothing. Nothing at all. I've watered my lawn from my phone and tracked how many tosses and turns I had the other night.
It's more than a weekly banjo lesson or a subscription to a gym. It's deeper than that. Although I don't know exactly what it is, I do know that it has to come from deep inside -from that bubbling pit in my heart and soul. I have to fix this before one of my depressingly creative manifestations comes to life.
So, I've decided to do something.
As I was sleeping on the floor between my son who had the flu and my other son with strep, I downloaded a Kindle Book on my iPhone. It was "Bushido, the Soul of Japan" by Inazo Nitobé. I read half of it that night wedged between a bed and a dresser on the floor while trying to get the horribly creative thoughts out of my head that one of my children was going to develop pneumonia and die.
And then the next day I read the other half.
I've always had an inclination towards Eastern Culture. In college I wanted to participate in the Japan Exchange Teaching (JET) program, but was too scared. I wanted to go to Tokyo for my honeymoon, but was too scared. I want to pack my bags tonight and fly over there and smell the cherry blossoms, but, I'm too scared.
And as I read this book I realized that one of the many codes that a Samurai lives by is the willingness, the acceptance and almost, dare I say, the anticipation of dying. And once you're comfortable with the fact that, yes, you (and others around you) will die someday it gives you back the power to life your life to the fullest. To enjoy every moment and to live each minute to the fullest -making you a better father, husband, son, uncle, friend or co-worker.
I've given myself 365 days to become a Samurai. What exactly does this mean? I'm not really sure. Does it mean I'll be wearing black ninja shoes and lurking around the camoflage of midnight? Maybe. Does it mean I'll strive towards learning and adopting the "Bushido" of a Samurai and the seven virtues they live/lived by daily? Absolutely.
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